I submitted this to the Museums of Sonoma County’s Fire Wall, an online searchable display and digital repository of the Sonoma County community’s creative reflections and personal stories of the 2017 wildfires and their aftermath.
Partly Consumed Trader Joe’s Sign and Banner of Hope
Elizabeth Rossner writes about the legacy of trauma and the labyrinth of memory in this wide-ranging review of her visits to Auschwitz with her father who came through the camps (she has a chapter on why she does not use the word “survivor” here). She also explores the legacy of trauma for the survivors and their children who experienced the killing fields of Cambodia, the retreat from Hanoi, and the massacre in Rwanda.
Traumatized people don’t feel safe, and parents who feel unsafe create households without a feeling safety, raising children do who not feel safe. The traumatized parents express the unresolved trauma in two main ways:
1. Suppressing all emotion in an effort to suppress the unrelenting, wordless fear trapped in the body. Children can’t play with someone who is numb. Children can’t bond well with someone who is numb. Drugs and alcohol often strengthen the numbness and emotional unavailability.
2. Traumatic rage squirting out uncontrollably in overreactions to upsetting everyday events. Children never know when the traumatized parent is going to beat them for a trivial infraction, or embrace them with understanding. The parent is inconsistent, and blind to the inconsistency.
Rossner quotes Dr. Maria Angeles Morcuenda, “The children of people with unresolved trauma have not learned [yet] to feel safe [even when they are] in a safe environment.”
Esther Perel says “home is the place where you feel safe, seen, appreciated, respected, and wanted.” When trauma in the home is denied, such as physical abuse, emotional abuse (betrayal and the like), or sexual abuse, the dependent child may resort to denial in order to preserve the attachment on the damaged parent upon whom she or she relies.
“Trauma denial is an act of self-preservation,” says Perel. “We employ self-delusion when too much is at stake and we have too much to lose. The mind needs coherence, so it disposes of the inconsistencies (lies) that threaten the structure of our lives. This becomes more pronounced when we are betrayed by those we feel closest to.”
Elizabeth Rossner says, “I hope my book invites readers to consider their own relationship to intergenerational transmutations of grief, trauma and resilience.” In her conversations with Dr. Morcuenda, we learn that healing from trauma is all about getting to feel safe. Dr. Morcuenda’s work focuses on “How do we make this baby, this child, resilient to the inevitable trauma life is going to bring? The work is to give each child what he or she needs, and to recognize what interferes with their ability to do that.”
Healing is seen when the trauma survivor can become fully present in the moment. Resilience can develop when we can interact fully in the moment without numbing out or slipping into the past.
Marsh Mellow Cottage
It was a gray Sunday when we put in at Pappa’s Taverna on Lakeville Highway, aka Lakeville Landing. Paul was there at 9 a.m. to make sure we were on the water by 10 a.m. because the wetland is tidal and opens to San Pablo Bay. High winds were predicted for 1 p.m. so we made a beeline for the cottages that are “homesteaded” in the marsh. Marsh Mellow is at left.
We drew our boats up to the private cottage and sat on the deck as we enjoyed a quick lunch before returning back, just in time before the winds started howling.
Paul Led the Paddle
Kathy, Richard, Deb, Wayne, Paul
Lucinda and Tom at Ernie’s
Afterwards, we enjoyed some draft beer at the nearby dive bar at the crossroads of 116 and 37. We got a tall table to ourselves in the corner near the door and were delightfully surprised, as we tallied up at the end, to find that someone had already paid our tab. Paul said he didn’t do it — maybe it was Tom? Will we ever find out?
Lake Hennessey Paddle with Canoe and Kayak MeetUp
Our path
Superbowl Sunday, Feb 4th, and Robert Skapura’s MeetUp group had beautiful Lake Hennessey to ourselves. Paddled with Dave Fitzgerald, Enid Pollack, Justin Morse, Rick Williams, Liam, Ann in a custom kevlar canoe and about 20 more. The lake is fed by two creeks, so first we checked out Moore Creek at the southern end, then explored the northern end of the lake to find the Conn Creek. We tandem-parked our cars in the small $4 parking area, but a red Subaru blocked in someone not in our group, so gallant Wayne paddled her car keys back and moved the car. We were surprised to learn later that the tandem parking was a ticketable offense. Good thing the patrols were not too diligent on Superbowl Sunday.
The lunch spot at the little inlet above the “k” in Lake in the map to the left is where we stopped for lunch under shady trees. Had a port-a-potty and trash bins and most boaters brought chairs and something to share for lunch. All quite fun.
