Anna Runkle, the Crappy Childhood Fairy, recommended Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend. At first, it was hard slogging through the ultra-Christian rhetoric and scriptural references, but it started to make sense by the end as an example of Judeo-Christian indoctrination in our society. Here are some excerpts. Brackets indicate my comments.
p87 – The Law of Cause and Effect. Rescuing a person from the natural consequences of his behavior ENABLES him to continue his irresponsible behavior.
p219 – Fear of Success. Poor finishers fear envy, criticism, [punishment and revenge]. [The #1 emotion of narcissists is envy.]
p223 – We withdraw from relationships when we need them most. Just like untreated cancer, boundary problems will worsen with isolation. [Co-regulation is stronger, more balanced.]
p227 – Unmet emotional hungers. We all need love during the first few years of life. If we don’t receive this love, we hunger for the rest of our lives. This hunger for love is so powerful that when we don’t find it in relationships with other people, we look for it in [things] food, work, sexual activity, or over-spending money. Compulsive spending is often a reaction against strict rules.
p229 – Address your real need. Impulsive eaters may discover that food is a way to stay separate and safe from romantic and sexual intimacy. As their internal boundaries with the opposite sex become firmer, they can give up their destructive food boundary. They learn to ask for help for the real problem, not just the symptom.
p231 – Surrounding yourself with people who are loving and supportive, but who will not rescue.
p234 – [Survivors of childhood trauma] are convinced there is no good within them. Over-permeable boundaries. Believe they are treated badly because that’s what they deserve. Our ability to trust ourselves is based on our experience of others as trustworthy.
Trust, the ability to depend on ourselves and others in time of need, is a basic spiritual and emotional survival need.
- Figure out what you are risking when you change
- Are you willing to lose (love, safety, …)
- Be diligent in carrying out your plan
- Get started. Do it.
- Don’t give up. Pursue your plan to the finish.
Forgiveness is: writing off the debt in our hearts. They no longer “owe” us.
p259 – Take an inventory of your unmet needs.
p260 – To set boundaries is to risk losing the love you have craved for a long time. Letting go of the wish for them to be different is the essence of grief.
- Own the problem of your own poor boundaries.
- Stop sabotaging your freedom.
- Seek Grace and Truth to cope with grief
- Get support for your grief.
- Let go of what you can never have. Move on to what you want.
You can only steer a moving ship. Your efforts to preserve the old waste your energy and time. Letting go is the way to serenity. Grief is the path.
Coming from a home where anger was used by a parent to control children
p262 – Do I have an angry person in my head that I still fear? This hurt, frightened part needs to be soothed.
- Realize it is a problem
- Talk to someone. You will not not work this out alone.
- Find the source of your fear (Anna Runkle’s Daily Practice)
- Stick to self-control statements, stick to your decisions, reiterate what you will do and what you will NOT do. Let them be angry. Tell them you care for them but your NO still stands.
- Regroup and talk to your support system.
- Practice. “God does not want angry people to control me.”
Blaming others gives them to power to [be the only one who can] make things right. Take back your power by taking responsibility for your life and make the life you want.
Guilt is not a core emotion. It is “you are bad.” [It is a trauma response to a boundary violation suffered as a child.]
The guilt I feel is my problem. Do the things that are right but elicit guilt feelings [or fear of punishment/retaliation/retribution]. Work the edge. Cope with the grief. Mourn.
First, securely bond [with someone appropriate and capable of secure bonding]. Second, set boundaries.
Don’t ping-pong between Compliance and Isolation
Resentment is a signal. Do I have permission to feel angry? Anger is a messenger.
p279 – Boundary-injured people are slaves